Strider 4.0

Elimating desires and expectations

2012-01-29T12:22:00.000-08:00

Now that I know this blog gets read occasionally (not like I publicize it) I guess I should post a little more. To whoever finds this: you have stumbled upon a random blog out of billions on the internet. So welcome to my little world!

The more I read about Buddhism the more I like it. No desire, no expectations, no problem. I have been thinking about that more recently.

I made a resolution to get out more and perhaps-through luck or a random generation of events and circumstances-meet a really great woman who I can share a little with. (I have taken two classes of college comp but I am not sure if the previous sentence is grammatically correct, forgive me if not) But if I follow the sum up of Buddhist Philosophy above, I should eliminate my desire to meet a great woman, eliminate my desire to make a living as a stock market trader, eliminate my desire to bench 350 pounds etc.

So there is the conflict, if I followed the Buddhist philosophy above, I would cease and desist all activities above. The trade off is no or minimal emotional pain as you go through life.

Perhaps I should live a modified version of the Buddhist philosophy. I will talk about that in my next post.

The single life

2012-01-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have been happily single for what seems like my entire life, with a deviation here and there. In fact I have not dated...in years. All of a sudden, I'm getting an urge to go out and meet women. I think the clock is ticking. Biological processes are starting to influence me again. I have tried the last five years to say "the hell with it, I'm becoming a Buddhist and will not desire women. " Too much drama, emotion, all that good stuff that comes with dating and subsequently marriage. No emotions, no drama, no problems. Right? In a way, yes, there have been no problems...no relationship problems that is. But there is just no denying that I am human, and desire women. I can't be asexual.

I think I gave up five years ago, because of the disappointment of meeting someone you think is a match only to find out that it isn't mutual. This was a pattern that was repeated time and time again throughout my 20's. Again and again. Same thing. It's like I was paying for my father's infidelity by never being able to attract the relationship that I wanted ( I still wonder if there is a weird Karma thing going on).

So, I slowly buried myself in hobbies and work, never to come up for "air".

However, now I'm 34 and its 2012. The world(or my world!) could end. Do I really want to go out a loner? I'm a proud loner, but still, isn't there something I could explore before it all ends...like the forgotten territories of women? And perhaps I should rethink my "proud loner" status. I like not having to depend on other people for company and entertainment.

But I read about how being social increases dopamine and serotonin levels. And I'm all about increasing dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. And going out and meeting women has the potential for that to happen.

But there is a risk.

The risk is that my sense of self is shattered. The fear is that by branching out and being open to new things like meeting women, somewhere along the line, I lose sense of what I perceived to be me. Maybe I'm more worried about what others think. Maybe losing the image that I'm this quiet loner dude is not such a bad thing.

The question of God...saved for later

2011-12-31T23:50:00.000-08:00

All right, what is more fitting that blogging about a deep philosophical topic like the existence of God when you have been drinking on New Year's Eve? Well, only a cat that did not hook up with any woman!

Now that I think about it, I think I will leave that topic be until I sober up enough to give a real coherent thought on what I think.

Here is what I will blog about to start off the New Year: I am VERY grateful with the "hand" I have been dealt with. I have been truly blessed by a great family and people who were looking out for me. My life isn't perfect. Never has been, but I would not trade it for any in the world. Yes, call it drunk talk, but this is really how I feel. Honest!

Edit: Yes that was drunk talk, but one never says anything drunk he doesn't already believe.

Freewill or not?

2011-12-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

I have long struggled with the concept of free will. I have always wondered just how much conscious control I really have. There are those who say free will is an illusion, that we are only executing a program determined when we were born via the genes. There are those who tend to think more spiritually or metaphysically who say that God maps out your life. But within that map there are micro choices that are the result of free will.

I tend to think more metaphysically when it comes to this topic. Here is what I think: Birth and Death or predetermined by God or whatever you want to call it. Your family and friends and other people you meet in life are all predetermined. That is the basic blueprint. The blueprint or map is all set upon birth. The freewill comes in the form of choosing to behave decent or indecent, moral or immoral, good or evil. Also of lesser significance are the little choices one makes every day and what jobs, hobbies, and interests one pursues.

There are some murky gray areas in life that I am not sure about. Health problems, mental problems, relationship problems, catastrophic or traumatic events caused by forces outside of the individual's control are among the issue I have trouble reconciling.

I subscribe somewhat to the Law of Attraction. You draw into your life what you think about. But that doesn't account for disasters caused by mother nature. I also don't believe that victims of random violence "attracted" the violence either. One might make an argument that something unconsciously or subconsciously is going on here. I'm not ready to go that far yet.

Despite the complications, for the most part my hypothesis provides peace of mind. I don't worry about death since that has been predetermined. When the time comes, the time has come. Marriage, and kids? It will either happen or it won't. Right now, I am not doing a whole lot to make family life a reality, so, it must mean that chapter in my life isn't imminent if at all. After all if it was meant to be I would be out pursuing right?

Now the last sentence is where we get back to the murky area. Is it freewill that I don't have a great desire to get married and have children. Or is it I don't have the desire because its being predetermined I won't have a family at this time? Ha, that is just what makes this topic so fascinating to me. So the debate goes on....

And here we go again...

2011-12-07T23:03:00.000-08:00

Ha. I forgot I had this blog. Bloggin is so 2005 now isn't it? I thought E-mail would be dead by now. It's pretty mind boggling to think I have been on the internet since 1998 when I had WebTV. Even more mind boggling is the fact that I didn't learn how to use a (modern) computer until 2004 (Apple II E in second grade doesn't count). Oh and I didn't have a cell phone until 2004.

Reading all the posts today and nothing has changed really when it comes to the processes going on in my mind. I just find the mind fascinating. I find myself fascinating as well. That sounds narcissistic and of course it is. I have been living inside my mind for my entire life. I saw an article in Men's Health that talked about a Hollywood producer dude who lives inside his mind, and it was like I was reading about myself. I like to diagnose myself in my spare time. Let's start.

Social Anxiety disorder-Although not as bad as some people.

Obessive/Compulsive disorder-Not the neat freak kind though.

Narcissistic Personality disorder-Living inside my mind

Avoidant Personality Disorder-The strategy to avoid situations that brings on SAD.

Other than those things, I think I'm doing all right

Getting too tired to write anymore for now, so its off to bed and hopefully a lucid dream.

Been awhile

2010-03-04T16:52:00.001-08:00

I finally went and got my password so now I can post again.

Not much has changed since my last post, life has been going okay. I really can't complain about much. I'm working three jobs, and making enough money to pay the bills and partake in my new hobby-bowling.

I still have the feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I'm kind of a lone ranger. But truthfully, I prefer this. Life experience has shown that I am highly suggestable when I get around other people, especially groups. It's like my individuality get swallowed up in the collective. Politics, religion, values, all my individual views melt away in favor of whatever view the group or even a lone strong personality holds.

But here is where it gets interesting. I also get uncomfortable when I'm around a group of people who share my views. I don't hang out with the Gage County Republicans nor do I go online looking to join groups who believe in liberty. I never had an inclination to attend a "tea party". I am weary of the mob mentality, even when it's my side. Mobs or roving groups of people are powder kegs waiting to happen.

I also believe that people who run around in cliques, gangs or surround themselves with an entourage are cowards. I could take the easy way out and attach myself to a group for "companionship" and "brotherhood" and proverbially (or literally!) suck the dick of the leader, but that I chose not two. I like to think for myself, have an original thought or to. Not just echo what the Alpha Male thinks.

That is not to say I don't get influenced. I certainly do. I have no doubt been influenced by some of the great political and religious philosophers that I have read, and some of the talkers I hear on the radio. But even then I check myself, to make sure I don't become an "echo machine".

Now I have told you why I think groups suck. Tomorrow I will examine whether or not I have Free Will in my life.

Can't sleep

2009-07-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I post about some humiliating past experiences and when I lay down and try to sleep what happens? I think about those experiences and what I could have done different. I quit sports for the most part when I was 14, even though I had the ability and loved to play them. I quit because I was too worried about what everybody was thinking of me. And let me tell you, in case you forgot...those early teenage years are hell. Most of my "traumatic" humiliating experiences came from these years. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was so worried of what everybody was thinking that I was dumb, that I blanked out and became temporarly dumb. I could not think. But I'm not dumb. It's just when I was experiencing a lot of anxiety.

Now why is it, that my mind is on overdrive while I try to sleep, but as the time approaches for me to get up for the day, suddenly it slows down and without effort, I finally drift off and I get a grand total of two hours of sleep.? My mind is not racing then. Why is it now?

Lack of Socializing

2009-07-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

We are midway through the second week of the summer quarter and things are going pretty well right now. I'm doing some live remotes out at the Gage County Fair and that went good. It is not the easiest thing in the world for me to get out amongst the people like that, but on occasion, my job requires I do it. And you know what? When I have to do something like socializing I can do it. But my default mode is to not socialize. It is part of my make-up, but some of my lack of socializing obviously stems from prior experiences where I was humiliated in social settings. Of course that is in the past, but those experiences serve as a sort of post traumatic stress disorder. I don't want to minimize PTSD, since soliders are coming home all screwed up from the war, but from an experiencers' point of view the pain from a humilating social experience is every bit as real as somebody who saw there buddies get blown up. Not that I have experienced that, but from what I read about war time PTSD, and compare that to a lifetime of humilating social experiences, the pain is the same. Now the difference between someone like me and the soldier is that the soldier experienced life threatening danger, while I merely interperted my experiences as being horrific.

It all starts and ends with the mind. I have a choice to how I react to a given situation. In the past I would have recoiled or lashed out in certain situations, but now I choose to react calmly. I have also learned to reinterpret certain situations. A situation where you think everybody is thinking oddly of you, may not be what they are thinking. That fear is coming from your mind. But the true power lies within the attitude that even if people are thinking oddly of you it does not matter. You can't control what people think of you, but you can control how you think and react.

Fight or Flight

2009-07-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today I called the guy that manufactures the Emergency Alert Message machine we have in our studio to troubleshoot why we were not receiving any messages. He was not the standard "friendly" support person you talk to, as he is a one man operation and obviously has no supervisors to "correct" him when he becomes inpatient. Now, I am sure he probably is a nice guy, in fact, I would bet on it. But one thing he doesn't have is patience. And he was getting really inpatient with me as we tried to troubleshoot what was wrong. He started yelling a little and making it out like I was stupid for not understanding. It was really pissing me off. I almost told him off and hung up on him. But I didn't, because he hung up on me. He told me to do a couple of things and said he needed to get back to work, so before we formally ended the call he hung up. Click. Nothing out of the ordinary, he was not evil or anything. The dude is what he is.

But what frustrates me is my reaction. I don't know where or how it started in my childhood, but if anybody is anything less than very civil or polite to me I imediately click back into "Fight or Flight" mode. My body tenses up and I am ready for a Fight (Tell the person off) or to Flight (like hangup). I am ready for battle. Now the Fight or flight response is an evolutionary trait that benefited us well when we were really in constant danger, like hunting prey or running from predators. The problem is: Why is this activated from a situation as trivial as an inpatient tech support guy? I mean it really pisses me off. I had to muster up every once of self-control I had to avoid telling this guy off or hanging up. And believe me, it was a great acting job on my part, and I sounded cool and collected while on the phone. But if he was talking to me in person, he would have seen that my face was beat red, and that I was shaking and sweating.

I wish I didn't have this automatic reaction and I don't know what to do to keep it from happening.

You can't control how people treat you, but you can control how you act. I would rather not demand everyone walk around on egg shells in my presence. I would rather people be themselves and I don't react them.

That "Fight or Flight" reaction stems from something in my childhood obviously, and it's programmed into my subconscious mind.

So how can I defeat this?

Friday

2009-07-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

Trying to keep my enthusisasm for life up right now. It's harder when I can't sleep at night. It sucks my motivation dry and I just want to sleep all afternoon. Currently reading a Law of Attraction book by Denise Coates. Now, I just need to get some sleep so I can work on the "principles" described in the book. I believe in the law of attraction because I have practical experience. The problem was...as a teen and in my early 20's I was miserable a lot of the time. Why was I miserable? I was miserable because of negative thought patterns I forged when I was real young. Misery begats Misery. I'm changing that. Now, if I could just get some sleep...

Format blowup

2009-07-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

Allright I tried it a month, but no one was coming to my serious news/talk show Beatrice News Network. I know I didn't promote it, but the people that logged on did not stay logged on. When I spend all afternoon working on a daily show and nobody logs on when I post it, only to be old news by the time somebody get's around to listening is not worth it. So, it's another format change for my internet station. This time I am going to try to stream a variety of talk programs, not all of which will be my own. I guess this time I want to draw in some listeners, and then once they are there, introduce some of my own programming.

On the other hand I would like to stop my old school hip/hop station. The problem is I keep getting new presets, it is somewhat popular. It's coming up where I am going to have to pay to keep it another year. I barely have enough money. It's looks like I am going to keep it...since people keep presetting me.

Lazy day thoughts

2009-07-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

Well it's a lazy day for me. I have done nothing but watch my Supernatural TV on DVD episodes. I can hardly wait for the fall when the show starts up again...well yet then again I can wait. In fact I can wait for a very long time. This fall is when school starts up at SCC and when things get "interesting" again. In fact school starts up again July 15th for the summer quarter. You know what? Even though I am working only 4 hours and barely have enough money for rent and feeding myself, I like it. This will be the last week that I will be all alone at Jackson Hall doing my thing, before my supervisor comes back and we get back to "business".

For once, I don't want to fast forward through the rest of the summer to get to football and new TV show season. I wish this week would last forever. It's just me and my thoughts. I am by myself at my house (roommate is in North Dakota camping) and at work. I like be alone. And I like being in control of what is going on. And being alone is the only time that I feel in control

It's not that I FEAR the future, but I have a certain amount of unease and "what if" thinking going on. I do think I am afraid of stress and anxiety, which always brings pain. There is not one thing I fear going wrong, it's just I fear many things will go wrong. I do fear that I will not be able to handle some things that may be coming up.

You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can control how you react. My fear is: will I be able to control how I respond?

First Post

2009-06-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

This Blog will be associated with my Beatrice News Network internet radio show, but I will blog more that just the news and commentary, this will be about my life as well. Obviously there is "stuff" that will forever remain private, but I was inspired by a podcast on morningcoach.com to start a blog so I have a "legacy" that follows me after death. As a general rule I am a very closed and private person, but then I started to think, "What is so noble about a man who's tombstone reads Here lies Strider, not a damn thing was known about him".? At the very end of life I want those who came after who knew me to know about me, what makes me tick, why I think the way I do, and all that and a bag of chips. In a sense I feel a bit narssisstic about blogging all about me, but on the other hand, I experience the world through my perspective, my view point, my lens, whatever you want to call it. And since I am no different from any of you, we are all narssistic to a point.

I expect certain thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes to evolve as I blog. There is a certain core set of values that will never change, because I am very proud of them and they are a part of what makes me a good human being. But I am always in search of ways to improve my life and make it better, as I spent a good chunk of my life in a proverbial dump, and I am trying to climb my way out of it.

Expect a stream of thought a lot of time, because sometimes it's hard to condense my thoughts down to the fine art expected of a composition II college student. Some days I will blog on what is going on in my life, how I am feeling, other times about news and issues and politics, sometimes the paranormal (which is my big interest) and a little Husker football here and there. I am not a one track cat, as I quickly bore about talking about one thing all the time, which I why I elected to go with a general blog versus something specialized. All right here are the stats:

Politics: Conservative

Religion: Agnostic I guess

Hobbies: Radio, Working out, Talk radio, Reading (mainly non-fiction)

Topics of interest: Philosophy, Pyschology, History, Current events, Politics, Religion, Spirtuality, The paranormal, Social issues, Self-improvement.

Okay there is a start. Stayed tuned.