The single life

I have been happily single for what seems like my entire life, with a deviation here and there. In fact I have not dated...in years. All of a sudden, I'm getting an urge to go out and meet women. I think the clock is ticking. Biological processes are starting to influence me again. I have tried the last five years to say "the hell with it, I'm becoming a Buddhist and will not desire women. " Too much drama, emotion, all that good stuff that comes with dating and subsequently marriage. No emotions, no drama, no problems. Right? In a way, yes, there have been no problems...no relationship problems that is. But there is just no denying that I am human, and desire women. I can't be asexual.

I think I gave up five years ago, because of the disappointment of meeting someone you think is a match only to find out that it isn't mutual. This was a pattern that was repeated time and time again throughout my 20's. Again and again. Same thing. It's like I was paying for my father's infidelity by never being able to attract the relationship that I wanted ( I still wonder if there is a weird Karma thing going on).

So, I slowly buried myself in hobbies and work, never to come up for "air".

However, now I'm 34 and its 2012. The world(or my world!) could end. Do I really want to go out a loner? I'm a proud loner, but still, isn't there something I could explore before it all ends...like the forgotten territories of women? And perhaps I should rethink my "proud loner" status. I like not having to depend on other people for company and entertainment.

But I read about how being social increases dopamine and serotonin levels. And I'm all about increasing dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. And going out and meeting women has the potential for that to happen.

But there is a risk.

The risk is that my sense of self is shattered. The fear is that by branching out and being open to new things like meeting women, somewhere along the line, I lose sense of what I perceived to be me. Maybe I'm more worried about what others think. Maybe losing the image that I'm this quiet loner dude is not such a bad thing.