Feeling like an outsider

My Mom recently confided in me that she feels like an outsider and out of place. All I could do was smile. No I was not happy with Mom's feelings. But I was happy with the validation of how I got those feelings. When she was talking it was me talking....and boom! it made a hell of a lot of sense why I'm the way I am.

I believe that my brain is wired for introversion. However you can be an introvert and not necessarily be shy or feel "out of place" . I think I subconsciously picked up on her thoughts/feelings when I was young and impressible. I did not have a father around to serve as a counterweight, so I absorbed more "stuff" from my mom.

That is a nice insight.

Desire

I have given some though about Desire. And, I don't think I want to give it up. I desire to be healthy, wealthy, and wise-to be over simplistic. But lowering my expectations is probably something I can do. I don't expect people who exercise free will to like me. It is nice if they do, its nice if some woman finds me attractive, but I don't expect it.

However, there is one exception, I expect people to treat me with respect. If I don't get it, that person is nothing to me. I will not acknowledge them. I love the buddhist philosophy, I am for all intents and purposes, a pacifist. I will not seek confrontation, and I will not fight, unless left with no other choice. But respect is the one exception, I give respect, and I expect to receive it. Nothing more.

I try to live with the philosophy that if something is beyond my control, I don't worry about. Easier said than done, but that is what I strive for.

When you don't have expectations, its easier to be grateful.

Elimating desires and expectations

Now that I know this blog gets read occasionally (not like I publicize it) I guess I should post a little more. To whoever finds this: you have stumbled upon a random blog out of billions on the internet. So welcome to my little world!

The more I read about Buddhism the more I like it. No desire, no expectations, no problem. I have been thinking about that more recently.

I made a resolution to get out more and perhaps-through luck or a random generation of events and circumstances-meet a really great woman who I can share a little with. (I have taken two classes of college comp but I am not sure if the previous sentence is grammatically correct, forgive me if not) But if I follow the sum up of Buddhist Philosophy above, I should eliminate my desire to meet a great woman, eliminate my desire to make a living as a stock market trader, eliminate my desire to bench 350 pounds etc.

So there is the conflict. If I followed the Buddhist philosophy above, I would cease and desist all activities above. The trade off is no or minimal emotional pain as you go through life.

Perhaps I should live a modified version of the Buddhist philosophy. I will talk about that in my next post.

The single life

I have been happily single for what seems like my entire life, with a deviation here and there. In fact I have not dated...in years. All of a sudden, I'm getting an urge to go out and meet women. I think the clock is ticking. Biological processes are starting to influence me again. I have tried the last five years to say "the hell with it, I'm becoming a Buddhist and will not desire women. " Too much drama, emotion, all that good stuff that comes with dating and subsequently marriage. No emotions, no drama, no problems. Right? In a way, yes, there have been no problems...no relationship problems that is. But there is just no denying that I am human, and desire women. I can't be asexual.

I think I gave up five years ago, because of the disappointment of meeting someone you think is a match only to find out that it isn't mutual. This was a pattern that was repeated time and time again throughout my 20's. Again and again. Same thing. It's like I was paying for my father's infidelity by never being able to attract the relationship that I wanted ( I still wonder if there is a weird Karma thing going on).

So, I slowly buried myself in hobbies and work, never to come up for "air".

However, now I'm 34 and its 2012. The world(or my world!) could end. Do I really want to go out a loner? I'm a proud loner, but still, isn't there something I could explore before it all ends...like the forgotten territories of women? And perhaps I should rethink my "proud loner" status. I like not having to depend on other people for company and entertainment.

But I read about how being social increases dopamine and serotonin levels. And I'm all about increasing dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. And going out and meeting women has the potential for that to happen.

But there is a risk.

The risk is that my sense of self is shattered. The fear is that by branching out and being open to new things like meeting women, somewhere along the line, I lose sense of what I perceived to be me. Maybe I'm more worried about what others think. Maybe losing the image that I'm this quiet loner dude is not such a bad thing.

The question of God...saved for later

All right, what is more fitting that blogging about a deep philosophical topic like the existence of God when you have been drinking on New Year's Eve? Well, only a cat that did not hook up with any woman!

Now that I think about it, I think I will leave that topic be until I sober up enough to give a real coherent thought on what I think.

Here is what I will blog about to start off the New Year: I am VERY grateful with the "hand" I have been dealt with. I have been truly blessed by a great family and people who were looking out for me. My life isn't perfect. Never has been, but I would not trade it for any in the world. Yes, call it drunk talk, but this is really how I feel. Honest!

Edit: Yes that was drunk talk, but one never says anything drunk he doesn't already believe.

Freewill or not?

I have long struggled with the concept of free will. I have always wondered just how much conscious control I really have. There are those who say free will is an illusion, that we are only executing a program determined when we were born via the genes. There are those who tend to think more spiritually or metaphysically who say that God maps out your life. But within that map there are micro choices that are the result of free will.

I tend to think more metaphysically when it comes to this topic. Here is what I think: Birth and Death or predetermined by God or whatever you want to call it. Your family and friends and other people you meet in life are all predetermined. That is the basic blueprint. The blueprint or map is all set upon birth. The freewill comes in the form of choosing to behave decent or indecent, moral or immoral, good or evil. Also of lesser significance are the little choices one makes every day and what jobs, hobbies, and interests one pursues.

There are some murky gray areas in life that I am not sure about. Health problems, mental problems, relationship problems, catastrophic or traumatic events caused by forces outside of the individual's control are among the issue I have trouble reconciling.

I subscribe somewhat to the Law of Attraction. You draw into your life what you think about. But that doesn't account for disasters caused by mother nature. I also don't believe that victims of random violence "attracted" the violence either. One might make an argument that something unconsciously or subconsciously is going on here. I'm not ready to go that far yet.

Despite the complications, for the most part my hypothesis provides peace of mind. I don't worry about death since that has been predetermined. When the time comes, the time has come. Marriage, and kids? It will either happen or it won't. Right now, I am not doing a whole lot to make family life a reality, so, it must mean that chapter in my life isn't imminent if at all. After all if it was meant to be I would be out pursuing right?

Now the last sentence is where we get back to the murky area. Is it freewill that I don't have a great desire to get married and have children. Or is it I don't have the desire because its being predetermined I won't have a family at this time? Ha, that is just what makes this topic so fascinating to me. So the debate goes on....

And here we go again...

Ha. I forgot I had this blog. Bloggin is so 2005 now isn't it? I thought E-mail would be dead by now. It's pretty mind boggling to think I have been on the internet since 1998 when I had WebTV. Even more mind boggling is the fact that I didn't learn how to use a (modern) computer until 2004 (Apple II E in second grade doesn't count). Oh and I didn't have a cell phone until 2004.

Reading all the posts today and nothing has changed really when it comes to the processes going on in my mind. I just find the mind fascinating. I find myself fascinating as well. That sounds narcissistic and of course it is. I have been living inside my mind for my entire life. I saw an article in Men's Health that talked about a Hollywood producer dude who lives inside his mind, and it was like I was reading about myself. I like to diagnose myself in my spare time. Let's start.

Social Anxiety disorder-Although not as bad as some people.

Obessive/Compulsive disorder-Not the neat freak kind though.

Narcissistic Personality disorder-Living inside my mind

Avoidant Personality Disorder-The strategy to avoid situations that brings on SAD.

Other than those things, I think I'm doing all right

Getting too tired to write anymore for now, so its off to bed and hopefully a lucid dream.